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Educators’ Exchange
Loving the “unlovables”
My three rules for connecting with students
by angela balvantin, weatherford atpe member
As educators, we all know the importance of building relationships with our students. These relationships provide students with confidence, security and the willingness to learn. These relationships are easy to attain and manage with the majority of our kids. However, not all of our students are easy to relate to. How do you learn to love the “unlovables”?
Every year a few students are unsuccessful despite endless interventions, conferences and consequences. Some do not understand the material and are unwilling to give the necessary effort at the risk of failing yet again. Others are perfectly capable but do not feel the need to prove it by completing assignments. Both groups cause many sleepless nights for educators. Some of these kids are difficult to relate to, talk to or even like. As teachers, we feel resentment toward students who put forth so little effort to improve. We work so hard on their behalf, but we often feel we are the only ones working.
I have been able to build relationships with students by allowing three rules to form my attitude. With these guidelines, I find it easier to establish communication, attain trust and see improvement.
Students are children, not grades
The first rule is a reminder: Our students are children, not test scores or grades. Nor are they equipped with the reasoning abilities of adults. They are driven by impulse, emotion and peer pressure in ways that often inhibit success. For instance, a child with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) might constantly leave class to use the restroom because the mobility helps him to focus. It’s not a discipline issue; the child is coping with the impulse to move in a restrictive environment. In response, the teacher can make a plan for the student to get the mobility he needs without missing instruction. Maybe he is allowed two desks and can move between the two. Maybe he is allowed a set number of restroom passes to budget throughout the day. In either situation, he gets what he needs, and the teacher maintains control, which reduces resentful feelings.
To truly relate to students, we have to see them for more than their performances. We need to see their home lives, personalities and reasoning. Disrupting class might be a student’s way of focusing attention away from her insecurities. If we can see these intentions, instead of the disruption, we can find ways to give our students positive attention for their strengths and reduce disruptive behavior.
All students want to succeed
The next rule: All students want to be successful. They want to learn and complete tasks successfully; they simply do not always know how. Instead of doing an assignment incorrectly and risking criticism, they don’t do it. This behavior frustrates me the most. I would rather see them try and fail than not try at all. I won’t know where they need help if they won’t show me what they can do. But many of our students would rather face consequences than criticism.
I’ve learned that not accepting zeros and requiring that students give me something helps kids understand they are more capable than they think. I had a student who absolutely hated writing. During the year’s first writing assignment, he refused to even begin. He shut down and said, “I don’t know what to write.” Instead of immediately assigning consequences, I said, “Do you know your name?” The student looked at me strangely and wrote his name on the page. I praised him and told him I couldn’t wait to see his beginning sentence. Then I walked away.
I came back a few minutes later, and he had written three words. Again, I praised him and walked away. By the end of our writing time, he had completed about half. I e-mailed his mom a positive note about his hard work and let her know that he needed help at home to complete the assignment. The next morning, he proudly turned in the finished piece.
I gave him positive attention for any work completed. If I walked by and he had nothing new to show me, I simply kept moving. After his needs for praise and attention were met, he experienced success. His paper wasn’t great, but we had something to work with. He continued to struggle with writing, but he would always try and began taking risks in his work.
Don’t hold grudges
Probably the most important rule is not to hold a grudge against a student. Some students enter the classroom with reputations. I act as if I have no knowledge of prior behavior. I allow them a chance to make a change from the start. I work hard to allow students a fresh start every day. (Some need to start over two or three times every class period.) Kids need to know they can make poor choices and not lose favor with the teacher. Some students are so afraid of being disliked no matter what that they give their teacher a reason to dislike them right away. That way, the rejection is on their terms.
When behavior issues occur during the day, I address them and move on. We still talk about the behavior and the consequences, but I do not retain anger. I want students to know that I like them. They need to feel secure in that fact, and, usually, the majority of the problem behaviors disappear over time. All students deserve to be liked by their teachers.
I take pride in winning a “difficult” student over. A student who feels confident in her relationship with her teacher will do anything for that teacher—even take the risks necessary to learn.
Submit your Educators’ Exchange column to comm@atpe.org.
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